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I have already written a draft and have received feedback on the draft. The feedback is as followed:
I love the story of visiting a school with your mom, a school that she wanted to go to but never got to, a school tour that bonded you two, a Jersey that is still here but she is not, a school that if you attend – she will never get to see you graduate from. I love it. However, the way you describe it and just generally the statement itself, I’m bored. It’s basic. You are going to be one statement of thousands. They are going to spend 1-2 minutes reviewing your statement, so it needs to stand out. It needs to be exceptional and exciting. You have a remarkable story, but it is not being conveyed in this statement. You have got to add more!
So how do you do that? To start with, your first few sentences have to draw the reader in or else they will not read the rest of your statement. Maybe you start with quoting a few lines from the letter that your mom wrote to you. Maybe you start with really describing the Jersey to the reader in detail (i.e., crisp, blue, etc.). And then from there, I would describe that day alittle more in detail. Were you nervous to be on the campus? Was the campus crowded? Were there leaves on the trees? How old were you? Were you already playing football when your mom bought you the Jersey? Did the trip bond you and your mom? Make us feel like we are there with you that day. Describe it in detail. And then, you need to describe more about your challenges as a minority, as the first born after your mother’s death – like lean into those and how they developed you into a leader and taught you grit, and then how you further developed leadership, grit, and responsibility throug

h football. Make it “over the top.”
Also, right now the statement is only one page. Definitely fill up the full two pages.
Now for minor specifics/grammar errors:
In the 1st paragraph, I would add “too” after “love with the campus.”
In the 1st paragraph, I would change these sentences “To this day, I still have that jersey. Sadly, my mother passed away . . .” I would change those two sentences to this “The jersey is still here, but my mom is not.” (or something to that effect) And then start with “Sadly, my mother passed away . . .”
In your 2nd paragraph in the sentence that reads “got supportive friends,” change that to “had supportive friends”
The last sentence of your 2nd paragraph, I would shorten and/or change. Maybe break into 2 sentences.
I would consider removing and/or changing your last paragraph. I do not know if it is necessary. Law schools do not require that you know what area of law you want to practice prior to your arrival. I think it looks good that you are aware of the programs they offer, but maybe just 1 sentence about this. Keep the last sentence of this paragraph though.
Add Division 1 (I think this is the right division? ) somewhere in your statement.
Add a header with your name and page number
Remove the anger outlet sentence
Remove any reference to scholarships
Consider adding about your MBA or prior law experience.
Try to think about your skills/talents/personality that are not reflected in your resume and that you want UCLA to know about in your statement.
Shorten your sentences.
If you can achieve all these edits and improvements, then I am willing to pay! Thank you! I would be willing to answer in depth any questions about some of the specific questions if need be.